More and more each day my heart keeps racing at the thought that he will be leaving me in just over a month. The days are passing quicker than they used to it seems and while we are continuing with daily life it feels like there is a big purple elephant in the room with us that is forcing me to face the facts that he is leaving me. At first I didn't really think about how long 7 months is, and then it really hit me that that is more than 1/2 of a year. He is going to miss my 25th birthday and he is going to miss Valentines Day, and the 4th of July and everything. I had hoped to be having a baby before I turned 26 and now it looks like unless I somehow magically get pregnant next month, that won't be happening. I had my annual review with my boss yesterday and it went far better than I expected. He suggested that I look into furthering my career path by taking online courses that the company offers to help get you ready for promotions. I honestly thought I was going nowhere and now I find out my boss wants to basically start getting me ready to move up the ranks. It just sucks that I feel I have to give all of that up so I can follow his dreams. I don't want to resent him, I know he is doing this for both of us, but I can't help feeling a little upset, like my career has to come to a screeching halt because of his dream. And now that I look back at what I am writing I am feeling so selfish.
I just don't know how to feel anymore. When all of this was a possibility and not a definate I felt fine, now that I know it is going to happen for a fact I am absolutely terrified. I feel like the days are numbered on our love. I know that once he is done with his 7 months that we will be together again, but for how long? And I also know that him not deploying doesn't guarantee a lifetime together. He could die tomorrow, it just matters when his time is. I know that alot of the thoughts that I am thinking are irrational thoughts, but I can't help wondering how different my life is going to feel without him in it every day. I have gone 2 days, 3 days, a week without seeing him due to differing schedules or business trips, but even when I don't see him every day I feel his presence in our home. The remote is not always on the same spot of the coffee table, and he may have left a dirty t-shirt on the floor. There are little things all around me that remind me that he was there not long ago and he would be back. Now I feel like even though his things will be there, those little changes won't be, and with that the sheer scent of his presence will fade to nothing as well. I am scared of the fact that once he is gone there is no turning back. I can't call him up and say "I need you" and have him there. I have to rely on myself for my own emotional support and I don't even have my best friend to support me. Because that is what he is, he is my best friend, and my lover. I tell him everything, but this is one thing I feel I cannot tell him.
I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into depression as the days drag on. I sometimes go home and cry for an hour simply because I can't identify which feeling I am feeling. Am I proud of him and happy for him because that is what he wants, or do I honestly feel proud and happy? Am I sad, angry, lethargic, numb, heartbroken? I think I am a little of everything and I don't know how someone could feel so many different feelings on different sides of the spectum like that. So I cry, because I don't know how else to react. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how else to feel. And I don't know how to tell my husband that any of this is going thru my head...
I just don't know how to feel anymore. When all of this was a possibility and not a definate I felt fine, now that I know it is going to happen for a fact I am absolutely terrified. I feel like the days are numbered on our love. I know that once he is done with his 7 months that we will be together again, but for how long? And I also know that him not deploying doesn't guarantee a lifetime together. He could die tomorrow, it just matters when his time is. I know that alot of the thoughts that I am thinking are irrational thoughts, but I can't help wondering how different my life is going to feel without him in it every day. I have gone 2 days, 3 days, a week without seeing him due to differing schedules or business trips, but even when I don't see him every day I feel his presence in our home. The remote is not always on the same spot of the coffee table, and he may have left a dirty t-shirt on the floor. There are little things all around me that remind me that he was there not long ago and he would be back. Now I feel like even though his things will be there, those little changes won't be, and with that the sheer scent of his presence will fade to nothing as well. I am scared of the fact that once he is gone there is no turning back. I can't call him up and say "I need you" and have him there. I have to rely on myself for my own emotional support and I don't even have my best friend to support me. Because that is what he is, he is my best friend, and my lover. I tell him everything, but this is one thing I feel I cannot tell him.
I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into depression as the days drag on. I sometimes go home and cry for an hour simply because I can't identify which feeling I am feeling. Am I proud of him and happy for him because that is what he wants, or do I honestly feel proud and happy? Am I sad, angry, lethargic, numb, heartbroken? I think I am a little of everything and I don't know how someone could feel so many different feelings on different sides of the spectum like that. So I cry, because I don't know how else to react. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how else to feel. And I don't know how to tell my husband that any of this is going thru my head...
